


Daylight

by xGigix



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Levi x hange - Freeform, Pre-Relationship, levihan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-04 15:58:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13368120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xGigix/pseuds/xGigix
Summary: Having been in tension with each other for a month after the mission in Shinganshina, Levi and Hanji have a deep conversation in Hanji’s room. Hope you enjoy it!





	Daylight

___I was totally inspired by[this song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nEbwxmTrMtE), it’s pretty cool so go check it out. _

* * *

Hearing the soft drops grow slowly harder  outside, Hanji was sitting on her desk trying to go through some paperwork that her new position as commander demanded her to resolve. While reading, she played nervously with her hair in an intent to concentrate, but her mind wouldn’t ease. Since it was late at night everyone had gone to sleep, so there was complete silence. Still she couldn’t focus. Her memories dragged her back to that moment. Over and over, she could see that scene go through her head and all that’d happened next. Although, what kept her mind far away the most wasn’t the fight, the gruesome scenario she’d seen or the death of her friends. Even if that was a burden heavy enough to carry, she felt bretrayed. And that was the worst part. She knew that it wasn’t right to feel that way, that it was unfair, but she couldn’t help it. Levi and her’d always had each other’s back. They’d never disagreed, well at least not in such important matters. It wasn’t like Hanji would never be able to forgive him… or would she? No, what was she thinking? Of course she would, she just wasn’t ready. But most importantly, would she ever trust him blindly and with her whole heart like she’d always done? Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the hall. 

 Levi stood in front of Hanji’s door wondering if he’d have the courage enough to knock. He needed to, the past month he was haunted by a terrible insomnia. And when he could get just a tiny bit of sleep, horrible nightmares woke him up. In his dreams he’d see Hanji die in front of him knowing she still held resentment towards him, her last words being ‘Why him?’. Again and again. Those were, by far, the worst nightmares he’d experienced in his whole life. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t think about anything else. So speaking with her was not only something that he wanted, but also something he had to do in order to get back his normal life. With that thought in mind, he could finally get himself to knock.

 Hanji went up to the door and opened it. When she did, she saw a pale sleep deprived Levi with bags under his eyes. She shivered at the sight.

-Levi- she said sadly- what is it? You should be sleeping.

He stared intensely at her eyes.

-I… i just… shit- frustrated, Levi groaned. He knew what to say. He’d planed it, still he couldn’t bring it out.

 Hanji made a gesture inviting him in. She knew him too well. Maybe even more than herself. And she knew what he was there for. He entered the room without saying a single word and sat on her bed. She just closed the door and leaned against it. None of them dared to look in the other’s direction.

-What do you ne…

-You know- Levi interrupted her words. The tone in his voice came out much harsher than he intended to.- I’m sorry- He nervously apologised feeling like an asshole.

She looked at him. He was hunched over staring at the floor with his fingers crossed, hands resting on his lap. Just by seeing him like that, she could tell how anxious he was and she could also figure out the internal fight that was taking place in his mind. 

-It’s okay- She said. She knew he didn’t mean to be so rough.

-I don’t know where to start- Levi admitted feeling helpless. Even having rehearsed pretty words to apologise to her and tell her what she meant to him, now all he could say was ‘i don’t know where to start’ like he had some damm scenic panic. He felt like an idiot. 

-You don’t need to- She affirmed becouse, honestly she didn’t know where to start neither.

-No- he quickly denied- I’m staying here until everything is back to what it was… between us. Even if i have to stay all night.

 Hanji felt her cheeks heat up, and a rush of fear went through her body. This was a point of no return. Either everything got solved that night, or it ruined. She sighed, then walked towards her bed to sit next to Levi. He straightened his back and lifted his head to stare at her eyes.

-I’m sorry- that was the first thing he needed to say to her. The way she’d looked at him after making that decision torn him apart. And the pain in her eyes was the bitterest poison he’d ever tasted. So apologizing was the most important step- I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.

Hanji could see the desperation in his eyes and felt like a jerk. She’d treat him so cold and distant after Erwin’s death, like if it was his fault. Well it technically was, but at the same time he was just a person with two lifes on his hands. She thought  she would have known what to do in that situation but, would she? Still she was hurt and found it really difficult to see him without thinking of that moment, and also feeling, again, betrayed. She tried to speak avoiding his eyes.

-Why… why him?- she finally asked. 

He felt a cramp in his stomach sharp and painful as a stab. Those exact same words were the ones Hanji repeated in his dreams. And now he had to answer them. That was something he’d been asking himself too. He knew why, of course he did. But it was painfully difficult to make things clear in his head. After all, there wasn’t only one reason.

-I… i did it for him. So he could finally rest. I said that already.

-Yes but that can’t be the only reason.

-Isn’t that enough of a reason? He was so consumed that he’d lost himself. I didn’t want him to suffer anymore, i saw a chance for him to finally be free. And i… i just…

 By Hanji’s expression he could tell that she wasn’t fooled by his words, he wasn’t lying but he was clearly trying to avoid digging further on that subject. He sighed and rubbed his face while trying to gather his thoughts and think deeply about his actions, and what’d led him to them. A memory came to him as he stared at the wall.

-I heard them talking once…- He mumbled almost to himself.

-What?- she questioned confused.

-Armin, Eren and Mikasa. They were talking about the ocean. A supposed huge mass of salt water- he interrupted himself remembering the moment- They were promising shit, you know. That they’d see it together and they sounded so… hopeful.- the corner of his lips curved a bit in a half smile- I wasn’t strong enough to take that away from them.

She glanced at him with curiosity.

-You are really attached to those kids- she couldn’t help but smile a little too. She knew he wouln’d admit it but he had grown affection to them, which was truly adorable.

-I know you’re too- he replied.- even if now you’re hurt and see them as “guilty”. You still care about them.

-I’m…. i’m not good for them. I treated everyone with resentment when they didn’t deserve it. They need you.- she lamented. 

-They need you too- he reassured her. 

Hanji lifted her sight and met Levi’s eyes. He timidly placed a hand over her’s and sighed. She opened her eyes wide but didn’t move.

-I can’t be their mother. I’m too broken.

-I am too. They are, we all are.- he said.- But they need us. Not just me. We are all they have left… and we are in this together.

 -I can’t even live like a normal human being without thinking of the events in Shinganshina. I see Erwin everywhere. I see Moblit everywhere. And i can’t even trust you!- she suddenly covered her mouth with her hands. She’d said too much.- Fuck. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.- She apologised closing her eyes in embarrassment.

Levi took a deep breath looking at his hand that was still placed over Hanji’s. What she said was difficult to hear. It was painful, the fact that she didn’t trust him anymore felt like an arrow piercing right through his stomach. But he’d do anything to win her back. He noticed a bottle of whiskey resting on the desk, one that was half full. In nights where things gathered up in his head and he needed to let them out, Levi knew that the door in front of his would always have light coming out from it’s keyhole. He’d stay until late hours just speaking with Hanji while drinking together.

 Before that choice, she would always stay by his side. But now he didn’t know if that could ever be true again. He hadn’t realised until then how much her presence meant to him. With only a month in absence of her annoying rambling and infectious smile his life had turned gray. Though he couldn’t rush things, being on the edge to lose her forever.

-There’s nothing wrong with you. I understand why you hate me.- he admitted trying to gather his thoughts.- But believe me Hanji, i’d never… do anything to harm you.- even that pity sentence was incredibly difficult for Levi to say. The truth was that he wasn’t good with words. The tender speech that he’d prepared before coming to talk to her was way better than anything he could come up with spontaneously. But he realised he would have never been able to say it out loud, becouse when it came to feelings, and specially that kind of feelings, he’d fail horribly at trying to express them.

 Hanji sighed while taking her glasses off. She placed her free hand over her good eye. 

-Levi i don’t hate you.- she turned her head to meet his gaze- I just…- words suddenly escaped from her. She didn’t know exactly how to feel. She realized that she’d been craving for his presence until he appeared in her room that night. But she still had that weird sensation. 

A moment of silence took place while the two of them tried to find the courage to keep speaking.

-You know- Levi said.- until you showed up in that damn roof I was completely convinced that I’d give the injection to… to Erwin- the name was still difficult to pronounce. And he didn’t feel like he had the right to say it out loud.- I think I really scared the kids. I still can’t believe I hit Eren for God’s sake.

Hanji stared at him intensely as if she was trying to decipher him. What was the thing that still bothered her?

-Mikasa told me you were out of your mind. That you were almost delusional… Like if you had gone insane.- she started to talk trying to be as careful as possible with her choice of words- On the other hand, you were under a lot of pressure and probably really scared so I can understand your actions. But… why did you change your mind on the last minute?

-Maybe- he articulated even though it was clear for him that it wasn’t a “maybe”, it was an actual fact.- I was scared becouse I thought I lost you… I know it’s stupid but I couldn’t handle the possibility of being the only one who made it.- he felt pressure on his chest just by remembering those moments of horror. When Hanji’s state was unknown and he was alone with a friend on the verge of death, a dying kid and his desperate friends trying to stop him from saving probably the only close person he had left. Everything was a mess in his head at that moment, no wonder he acted like a lunatic.- seeing you, knowing that you were alive was… I just… Even in that terrible situation I felt like the luckiest man in the world.

Hanji froze. Levi’s words deeply moved her as much as they terrified her. The feeling was incredibly relieving yet scary, and she couldn’t understand why or what was it.

Levi, on the other hand, couldn’t give credit to what he just said. It just came out so naturally, becouse that’s what he felt, but he knew that the weight of his words was heavy. Why was she so vital for him?

-I mean…- Levi quickly tried to come up with something to fix what he’d just said, but nothing good enough came to his mind. He looked at Hanji, her eyes where expectant. He couldn’t keep lying to her, it was time to be honest.- everything was surreal, going in slow motion. I wasn’t really concious at that moment, I remember little to nothing. But when you showed up, everything made sense again. I could realize about Erwin’s state and what was best for him once I could think things through. It’s like your presence dragged me back to reality- he had said too much. Way too much. But at this point, the only think he could do was to keep going and hope for the best.- becouse of you I was able to be rational. Before, I thought humanity had no chance of victory without Erwin being our leader and inspiration. And I felt controlled by the fear of being alone. But when I saw you… When I heard you talk I just realized that It’d be selfish to bring him back to this hell after everything he’d done, and humanity would be fine even after he was gone… if we had you.

Levi’s words had deeply impacted Hanji this time. Tears started coming out of her eyes as she felt the last bit of resent she had left drain out. He took off his cravat and gently caressed her cheeks to wipe her tears.

-Levi i… i have no words- she mumbled while he kept sweeping her face.- I’m sorry.- she apologized, then let out a deep breath.- You had to go through this all alone… Being disappointed of you was so selfish and i… i- Hanji couldn’t stop sobbing. Hearing him speak, the pain is his voice, and his loving words despite her being so cold and distant for such a long time destroyed her completely.

-It’s okay- He pulled her arm to draw her near and embraced her tightly.

Hanji paralyzed for a second before hugging him back apprehensively. It’s not like she didn’t want to do it, but she was shocked. Her surprise was even bigger when she realized how much she’d been needing that. She felt for the first time in a long time… Safe.

Levi hugged her even tighter feeling warm, and relieved. Fear threatened his peace, a fear of losing her, the best thing that’d ever happened to him. He knew he had to end the hug at some point, but he didn’t want to let go of her ever. He lifted a hand to reach her head, slowly caressing her hair.

-How did we get to this point?- he complained absolutely drained out.

-Hey, it’s as Erwin used to say. Never regret a choice.- Hanji wanted with all of her might to cheer him up, but she was at her limit too.- didn’t he?- she smirked remembering him speaking, all motivated and determined. Determination was something that was always present in Erwin’s persona, and he never let anything get to him. Hanji’d always admired his strength and courage.

Levi let out a sigh.

-At last, it’s impossible be completely unremorseful. Even if I know it was for the best… It’s incredibly difficult to deal with the consequences.- still clinged to her, he thought of the complicated month he’d gone through. People looking down to him, the little survey corps that remained stopping their conversations when he passed by them, all the higher ups shaming his “poor judgement”, claiming it to be crazy letting die the man who’s plan had brought freedom to their word, Erwin’s presence haunting him in every step he took. But that wasn’t even the worst part, the worst part was Hanji looking away every time their gaze met, or her answering with a monosyllable every time he made a question, or seeing her tired and down all the time unlike her normal self, like if her inside inside glow had faded. And he had to live knowing all of that was his fault.

-I’m sorry- Hanji apologized again.- I sure didn’t make it better… I could’ve helped you.

Levi separated from her to look straight into her eyes.

-Stop apologizing, I can understand why you acted like you did… I just… The hardest part wasn’t people’s disappointment, it was your disappointment. I mean, it’d have obviously been easier if you were by my side but…- he stopped his speech for a moment to test her reaction. He was getting too ahead of himself, and being so damn confused didn’t help at all.- what I want to say is…

-I understand, you don’t need to keep going. You’re getting all mixed up.- she smiled tenderly, seeing him akwardly trying to express what he felt was really cute.- You shouldn’t try to excuse my pity behavior, the fact that i was hurt doesn’t make it right. I acted like a child.

Levi cupped her hands in is and stared at her trying to capture all of her attention.

-Hanji can you allow yourself to be a little selfish for once? You always just end up feeling guilty. This time it was me, I made something that hurt you. You don’t do that to someone you love…- he stopped himself abruptly

Oh no. Now he’d messed up for real. Levi looked away ashamed. Those words had slipped through his mouth, he meant it but it was way too straight forward.

Hanji’s jaw dropped to the ground. He said he… loved her?

-You… Love me?- she tried to articulate in disbelief.

-Shit. Damn… I-me-i… I- he stuttered pathetically.

Levi growled and met her gaze once again.

-Fuck it. Yhea I love you. So what?- he tried to sound as confident as possible, but it came out more like a thug intimidating someone.

-So what!? Levi are you confessing to me or looking for a fight?- Hanji was so confused that she didn’t even know what was going on anymore.

He realized about his lack of touch and misplaced voice tone, feeling humiliated.

-Fuck, sorry. I’m sorry i… I love you.- he confessed now in a rather sweet tone.

She just stared at him for a few minutes on the verge of collapse.

-So… Aren’t you going to say anything?- Levi asked fearful of her rejection.

-I…- she wanted to say it so bad, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.- You-me… I just…

Levi grabbed his head and groaned completely desperate.

-I fucked up everything. Just forget about everything I said. I’m sorry… Shit I’m sorry.

Hanji recovered from her confusion and turned her body to face Levi, taking him by his wrists. She pulled his hands away from his face and forced him to stare at her.

-Levi I’m sorry, calm down.- she quickly said as he slowly went back to his previous position and looked at her expectant.- I love you too dumbass.

 They stared at each other not knowing what to do. This wasn’t supposed to happen, they were just trying to fix their relationship not turning it to something else. On top of that, the whole situation was just a complete disaster.

-This is a mess.- Hanji could finally say letting go of his wrists.

 Levi got closer to her face and gently rested his forehead on her’s, closing his eyes.

-We’re a mess.- he answered.

 She giggled becouse at this point, the situation was simply ridiculous.

-What do we do now?

-Well, I think i’m supposed to kiss you.- He responded looking straight into her eyes.

 Hanji’s face turned red and she started laughing nervously, her body was slightly shaking.

-I-i don’t know if i’m ready. And i don’t really know how to… Don’t you prefer to discuss about my titan experiments? I can tell you about this time when…- Levi’s lips stoped her rambling, taking her by surprise.

-Shut up.- He silenced her half-smiling.

 Her face went from red to burgundy , and her eyes opened widely.

-S-sorry- she mumbled in an almost inaudible tone. Then timidly smiled.

 He shortened the space between them and cupped her cheek, kissing her again. Her eyes were still opened, but she slowly closed them and kissed him back.

 They gradually grew apart.

-It’s going to be fine.- Levi affirmed, still caressing Hanji’s cheek- It has to be. For him.

Hanji smiled.

-And for the kids.- he added.

-And what about… us?- she questioned.

-We’ll figure it out.- He responded smiling.

She turned her gaze to the window, noticing some weak sun rays going through it. It was dawn already.

-Look. The sun is coming out already.- Hanji pointed out as she got up from the bed to get close to the window.

 Levi followed her, and hug her from the back resting his chin on her shoulder.

-I’m glad we solved things shitty glases.- he whispered in her ear.

 Hanji smirked.

-Me too. I love you clean freak.


End file.
